Wednesday, February 02, 2005

State of the Oligarchy Union

As with any event, even the State of the Union address tonight has it's own drinking game. Wonkette, of course, has their own take on (and improvements to) the drinking game:
State of the Union Address Drinking Game
We love drinking games. They are a truly American past-time, combining both the competitive spirit and a gleeful descent into sloppy self-absorption. We also like not working, so we salute the creators of the State of the Union Drinking Game, who have done as little as possible to make the game current to this year. Way to go, guys! (More time for drinking, are we right?) Still, we’re a tad doubtful that simply adding some reference to Mars will get you sufficiently sloshed to appreciate W.’s fine oratory. So, some edits and additions. For instance, rather than

IF: They show a former member of the Bush Administration (i.e. Paul O’Neill, etc.)
THEN: Take three drinks

We think it should go:

IF: They show Paul O’Neill
THEN: Take three drinks

IF: Paul O’Neill’s head is still attached to his body
THEN: Finish the bottle

IF: Bush mentions "changing the tone in Washington"
THEN: Take one drink

IF: Bush mentions "changing to tone in Washington" and the camera pans to Mitch McConnell giving Russ Feingold a noogie
THEN: Take two drinks

IF: Bush rides a Segway onto the house floor
THEN: Take three drinks

IF: Bush successfully rides a segway onto the house floor
THEN: Do a shot

IF: Bush asserts the existence of a democratic, free-market Iraq,
THEN: Invest more in Halliburton

IF: Bush vows to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage
THEN: Tell your fraternity pledges that they can take the butt plugs out of their asses now

UPDATE: More drinking game rules for the SOTU from Wonkette:
As always, if you haven't started drinking already, you're never gonna win. Also, please join us in drinking the Purple Finger, which is 1 part cassis, 1 part grenadine, and 1 part vodka. Freedom never tasted so sickly sweet—but you're warned, the hangover is a bitch.

· Every time "Iraqi vote" referenced: 1 tiny sip. (Pace yourself on that one, seriously.)
· "Mandate": touch yourself to gay porn mag Mandate.
· John McCain spits on floor: chug-a-lug!
· Mentions "WMD": smash bottle in face.
· Says "Plowing through": titter like a girl.
· Tricky one: "On Monday, we will reveal details..": 2 drinks.
· Annual fave, "status quo": 1 smack on the head.
· Whenever Cheney sneers like Mephistopholes: 1 drink.
· Social Security reverse psychology: Bush says "insecurity": 3 drinks down the wrong tube, resulting in choking among the uninsured.
· "Spreading freedom": slather on some freedom.
· Names "Barbara Boxer": fall off couch in shock.
· Mention of twins: hump couch.
· Every time Condi is pictured while clearly doing Kegels: 1 shot of chai tea.
· Bush unable to prevent himself from breaking into hysterical laughter: drain all nearest bottles.
· Hillary faints, again: 1 oyster shooter.
· Mentions "Iran": stop drinking and start fucking packing.